A writer's doubts and insecurities

Writing is a lonely business and most writers are usually plagued by insecurities. First there is the desire to be published and the crushing disappointments of facing rejections.  I've had many over the years since I first started writing fiction in 1988! Each one can feel personal and the desire to desist becomes stronger, with me though it was a spur to continue and to prove them wrong.

Then, when published, comes the doubts about whether or not anyone will buy your book and if so will they enjoy it?  The insecurities don't stop there, nor when several novels are published.  Is this latest one as good as the previous novel or better, or worse?  Will the reviewers like it? Will the readers enjoy it? An archive of letters by Iris Murdoch, which revealed this renowned writer's insecurities, is therefore reassuring.
 
The correspondence between Iris Murdoch and French novelist Raymond Queneau spanned 29 years and shed light on Murdoch's insecurities about her ability as a writer.
 
One of her early works featured a "bogus scholar" and another idea for a novel is cribbed from a book about telepathy, which she eventually abandoned.

The Daily Telegraph said, "The letters reveal a woman riddled with self-doubt who was at times filled with "hatred and contempt" for her prose and wondered if she would "ever write something good".  

Iris Murdoch was thought to have attempted between four and six novels before her first book, Under the Net, was published in 1954.   She looked to Queneau for intellectual stimulus and practical help.  It's good to have a mentor in all walks of life, including writing. And it's good to have an editor who understands your style of writing and can give support and encouragement.  On the other hand having an over-zealous copy or line editor who massacres your manuscript, making it technically, grammatically or politically correct or over editing it so that it undermines your style and makes it turgid, can tip you right back into insecurity.

One thing Iris Murdoch didn’t have to contend with was on line reviews. These can be fantastic and incredibly motivating, as are personal emails, messages and feedback from individuals at talks.  The advent of AI, which now sucks in all the reviews and spills them out as a snapshot review with ratings, is nerve-racking. One or two critical reviews from someone who picked up your novel but it was not to their taste can skew this.

In the letters, Iris Murdoch talked about the difficulty of judging her own work and her suspicion that what she had produced was "worthless."   She says, "While I am writing it, it's always surrounded by such an aura of creative aspiration and joy, clairvoyance and what not, it seems better than it is. Then afterwards the light is withdrawn and it seems quite dead and worthless. Just now I'm still in the clairvoyant stage and knowing the secrets of the seas."

Oh, I do so identify with that. A writer's doubts are quite natural and come with the territory. I love writing and crafting a good story and as long as I do then I will continue writing my novels, and hope that my readers also continue to enjoy reading them.